Cliches Anonymous

Hi everyone! Earlier in May, I got the pleasure to produce my short scripts Cliches Anonymous and Louie Louie at my college for a theatre showcase. And I know a lot of people were not able to watch it and I didn’t have time to film it because I was part of the running crew for other pieces. So I thought it’d be nice if I leave the script down below so you can read it for yourselves. Hope you enjoy!

Original Cliches Anonymous Cast:

Ian – Kyle Paguio
Phil – Marlon Campos
Jenny – Destiny Bustos
Vicky – Christina Apreza
Fixer – Dana Hall
Wilson – Joseph Rubio
Jaime – Alissa Padilla

-Andrew 🙂

p.s. If you want to produce the scene in your own theatre or local colleges, please let me know and give me credits as the writer.

Cliches Anonymous

Lights up on an empty room with chairs in a semi-circle facing the audience. PHIL, the head of the clichés anonymous meeting sits in the center while the other members sit around him. There is an empty seat at the end.

PHIL- Alright, everyone. Welcome back to another meeting of clichés anonymous. Remember, everything in this room stays in this room. If anything happened to you this week, now is the time to share it. And no story is stupid or overused. We’re all clichés, this is pretty much our life.

IAN, a member of the group, barges in through the door.

IAN- Sorry I’m late, traffic.

PHIL- Speaking of clichés, why don’t you start us off?

IAN- (Still standing) Um… okay. My name is Ian and I’m a cliché.

EVERYONE- Hi, Ian.

IAN- I think most people wouldn’t consider it a cliché, but technically I’m the guy that runs in late and complains about the traffic. And it isn’t like I do it on purpose. I just don’t have a sense of time – sue me.

IAN proceeds to sit down.

PHIL- And no one is blaming you. We all here have been victims of overused stereotypes tropes. For example, my name is Phil and I am a cliché.

EVERYONE- Hi, Phil.

PHIL- Most of you know me as the monotone, sleepy, pretty much boring meeting leader here, but in retrospect I can be very energetic and fun. For example, what did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college?

(Utter silence for two seconds.)

PHIL- Bison.

JENNY lets out a groan while the others look down in shame.

PHIL- Jenny? Would you like to share something?

JENNY- (Scoffs) Fine… hi I’m Jenny and I’m a cliché.

EVERYONE- Hi Jenny.

JENNY- I’m what like people consider like one of those people who like go shopping with my dog in my purse. And they like call me a valley girl. But like that’s totally not true, okay? I don’t shop with my dog in my purse. She hangs out in my convertible. But I’m not a valley girl. I’m a normal person from the San Fernando Valley and like likes to go shopping in the 90210. All of my girlfriends tell me I’m not a cliché and I like believe it.

IAN- How many friends do you have?

JENNY- Just one, and she is like super cute, super funny, has beautiful hair, and she looks great driving her convertible to the mall.

VICKY- Do you see her in the mirror?

JENNY- Oh my god, yes! How did you know?

VICKY- Well you know… I see her every week and she always so recognizable that she – you know what? I think it’s best just to call you stupid.

PHIL- Vicky, manners. Why don’t you tell us about yourself.

VICKY- (Waving) Hi, Vicky. Cliché.

EVERYONE- Hi, Vick-

VICKY- Cut that shit! Here’s the deal. I’m what they call the “tomboy.” Every day people look at me and they think “hey, you don’t act like a lady.” And I’m just standing there like “uh go fuck yourself.” I’ll do whatever I want. If I want to eat a pizza by myself in one sitting and lay down in disgust, I’m gonna do that. What’s the big deal? Sure I can dress ladylike whenever I want but do I want to? No.

PHIL- Good, good. Feel free to let it all out. Was there anything else you want to share?

VICKY- I am quite finished, thank you.

PHIL- Ok then, would anyone else like to share?

Everyone begins to look around until someone with a stormtrooper helmet raises their hand.

FIXER- My name is RX-1738, but people call me Fixer and I’m a cliché. I think people have a common misconception about stormtroopers and that we can’t shoot anything. But for the record I’ve shot a lot stuff and I don’t mean to toot my own horn.

IAN- What did you shoot?

FIXER- A lot of stuff, you know. I shot a wall… a-a ice cave. An anus in the desert. You know I’ve shot a lot of things.

VICKY- Ever shot anything moving? Or alive?

FIXER- Yeah, of course. There was this one time I shot my friend in the butt. Could I count that?

VICKY- I wouldn’t.

FIXER- Look I’m a good shot! I can hit things with a blaster and without one. I break the idea that stormtroopers are shit shots.

VICKY- I’ll believe it when I see it. I mean, didn’t you people lose a fight between bears in the forest?

FIXER- I wasn’t there! But if I was you’d know cause there’d be so many dead bears you’d think it was a Build-a-Bear workshop. Look, I can hit you with my pen.

FIXER throws the pen at VICKY but misses and hits the floor underneath her.

VICKY- (Slow clapping) Wow, if I was sitting on the ground you might have hit me.

FIXER- I’m a good shot! Wilson, tell her.

WILSON- I’m just glad that pen didn’t hit me.

IAN- Hey Wilson, you’ve been sitting here saying nothing since the meeting started. What’s your story?

WILSON- (Sighs) Fine. I’m Wilson and I’m a cliché. And if you didn’t realize it, (pointing at shirt) I’m wearing a red shirt.

JENNY- Um like… yeah you’re wearing a red shirt. You should totes change your color. I see you more like a midnight blue or sunlight orange.

VICKY- What are you, Bob Ross?

WILSON- Yeah I’d like to change my color if my job wasn’t a part of the color. I used to work on starships but then I started hearing things about people in red shirts dying out of nowhere and I just couldn’t deal with it. Now I have a steady job fixing the ships when they’re not in space. And I’m really careful too. But there was this one time I got a paper cut and I almost died.

IAN- From the papercut?

WILSON- No, I slipped on a banana peel and fell out the window. Didn’t get a single scratch.

The entire room is dead silent until VICKY begins to slowly clap.

VICKY- That’s… Fucking… Hilarious.

PHIL- Vicky, please be considerate of Wilson’s stories. (To Wilson) That is a nice story to tell, would anyone else like to share before the meeting ends?

Another member of the meeting, JAIME, quickly raises their hand.

JAIME- Hey, has anyone seen Tyson anywhere?

IAN- Yeah, I saw him when I was on my way up here. He said he heard a noise and wanted to take a look. He’ll be back.

JAIME silently groans.

PHIL- Is something wrong, Jaime?

JAIME- Tyson always does this. He says he’s going to look at something and he’ll “be right back” and ends up dead. I swear he’s always trying to be the heroic guy in horror movies that dies in the most stupid ways. One time I was at a bar with him and he got in a fight with a biker. Do you know what his last words were?

FIXER- What?

JAIME- “What are you gonna do? Stab me?” And guess how he died.

IAN- Stabbing?

JAIME- Yeah, how did you know?

IAN- Lucky guess.

JENNY- That’s horrible! Is he alright?

JAIME- He’s fine. He’ll come back to life after a couple minutes.

PHIL- Now Jaime, we can worry about Tyson later. Why don’t tell us about yourself?

JAIME- Well I talk to the fourth wall. A lot actually. That fourth wall is pretty much my best friend.

JENNY- I don’t think that’s a cliché. You’re just like cray cray.

JAIME- Freeze frame!

Everyone freezes in place except for JAIME. She turns towards the audience.

JAIME- I know what you’re probably thinking, “Jaime, you’re not crazy. You’re just misunderstood.” But actually I haven’t gotten tested. Don’t want to, in fact. But you see this freak show right? It’s like a cookie cutter of some John Hughes movies. Pretty cool, right? Okay, I have to get back. (Turns back to group and claps her hands.)

JENNY- You just have to broaden your horizons, Jaime. Tell you what, let me take you shopping. You’ll feel great.

VICKY- Is it gonna be followed by a montage with “I’m walking on sunshine” playing?

JENNY- Don’t be peanut butter and jealous, you can come to. Oh! I can give you a makeover.

VICKY- Gee, I can hardly wait.

JENNY- See? I know you’re excited.

VICKY- Hey Jenny, guess what?

JENNY- What?

VICKY- Sarcasm.

JENNY- Is that a new shop?

VICKY- Jesus Christ you’re that stupid, aren’t you?

PHIL- Now, Vicky. Please keep the remarks to a minimum please. We’ll have to work on that later.

VICKY- Good luck. The four shrinks I had didn’t fix the problem.

WILSON- Really? Four of them?

VICKY- No it was actually six but that seems like a big number.

WILSON- Yeah… small number. Is this meeting done? I have to get back and fix a starship. I swear every time they leave it keeps getting blasted.

PHIL- If anyone doesn’t have anything left to say, I guess we can end a little early. Now remember, just because we’re clichés doesn’t mean we have to follow them. Right? This was a good meeting, everyone. We’ll continue next week.

IAN is the first to get up out of his seat and goes to the door. Upon exiting, he calls out to the rest.

IAN- I found Tyson!

PHIL- See, Jaime? You don’t have to worry. How is he, Ian?

IAN- I think he’s dead.

PHIL- Are you sure?

JENNY is the second to leave the room.

JENNY- Phil, Tyson is like totally dead. There’s a screwdriver in his head.

PHIL- Well check if he still has a pulse.

VICKY is the third to leave.

VICKY- I don’t think there’s a pulse. There’s a hole where his heart is supposed to be.

PHIL- Well is the killer still out there?

FIXER leaves.

FIXER- I think I see someone running away. Wilson help me catch them.

WILSON- I don’t think that’s a good idea.

FIXER- Wilson! Get the hell out of here and chase them. You’re the fastest. I try and slow him down by throwing stuff at him.

WILSON- Again, that’s not a good idea.

FIXER- Hurry!

WILSON lets out a loud sigh and leaves the room. Clanking sounds can be heard offstage until Wilson shouts.

PHIL- Did you get the killer?

FIXER- No. I think I got Wilson. Hey Wilson, if you’re alive give me a thumbs up… That’s the wrong finger but I’ll take it.

PHIL- Best check on the Tyson. Again. Jaime, do you mind closing the door when you leave?

JAIME- No I got it.

PHIL exits.

JAIME- (To audience) See what I said? They’re a bunch of idiots. But they’re my idiots. I guess this group isn’t bad. So uh… I’ll see you later? (Walks to door) Go on, the piece is over. You can go. Unless there’s another after this. Is there? There is? Oh ok, just stick around then.

JAIME exits. Fade to black.

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