Usually in my life I have a set schedule: wake up, breakfast, go to the gym, play video games, dinner, write, go to sleep. I’ve had this schedule since May and it’s been very consistent (apart from Comic-Con weekend). But throughout this static schedule one thing is always left behind. I never save time for keeping this blog up-to-date. There were times when I would have time for it but nothing comes to mind. This category is what I like about the blog (the train of thought category). I don’t need structure or an objective to talk about. Just my thoughts until they stop.
The new school year is coming up and it’s my last year at community college before I transfer. But there is a looming fear that creeps its way into my mind. It’s my last year. Usually I should be happy to transfer out but I spent at least 3 years there. I made new friends, new professors. And within two years I’d leave it behind for a new chapter. It frightens me in a way that’s ineffable. Maybe it’s the thought that I’d soon be finished with college and I have to go into a ruthless world to live the rest of my life. Sure I can go back and start another degree but for the moment I’m stuck with the one I have. A subject that I love with a passion but a fear that I can’t get a job in it or that the industry itself is a warzone. This doubt would then eat away at my schedule, taking away my writing and everything until I’m nothing but a shell of a man that should have died a long time ago.
Becoming a published author was all I ever wanted to become and every single day it becomes farther and farther away and I don’t know if I can ever catch up. All the first drafts of my Impure series were completed within a year except for the third book. It’s been at least a year and half and it’s not even close to being done. Is it just my doubts that are slowing me? Or is it the realization that my book may never reach store shelves? I just hope that one day, a literary agent or an editor sees my books and gives me a chance to make something out of myself. That my work is worth something besides filler. Something that brings people together through the stories I’ve written. Something that has drained my mental health for a while. I don’t know what I want to do with my life but I know what I don’t want to do. I don’t want to be someone who sits behind a desk rotting while other people live greater lives.
I want to be greater.
I always forget that I have WordPress on my phone. And I promised myself that I’d build up my platform to get my writing out there. So maybe with this category I could do just that. It’s meant to be just thoughts or things in my head that I want to get out there. It isn’t short stories or road to publication, I’d call it experimental. Hope whoever finds this, enjoys it.
I think I’m losing my mind. There is something different about this semester of school that is taking more out of me than ever before. Is it because math has always been my enemy? And now that I’m at the last step for my GED’s that I finally crack? In my entire life, I’ve never failed a test. I do get D’s but never F’s. This semester just takes a toll on not my body but my mind. I usually care for it with video games. Whenever I get overwhelmed I’d go play Overwatch, but the community can be so toxic that it makes me lose hope in all humanity. Usually I’d get out of this mindset of gloom and blue within a week or two. But it’s been almost two months.
Writing entries like this can be soothing for me. This and listening to meaningful songs. All these emotions I kept bottled up for 20 years are slowly seeping out and I don’t know if I can control it. It’s like as if there is a glass bottle and it is beginning to show its age. The bottle is starting to crack and everything I’ve kept inside my head is escaping one by one.
This semester most of my time is spent in the theatre department at my school. Before my class I’d sit in the hallway of my theatre building and read or talk with friends. And since I got cast in the school’s production of Macbeth, I’m there all the way into the evenings. Don’t get me wrong, I love being in the production. Honestly theatre is the one place that I feel welcomed. Not because of the people or the plays I take part in, but because it’s one of the places that I can leave all my worries behind and become someone else. All my life I’ve been apart of the theatre even though my parents were strongly against it because of that fear that I can’t get any jobs with a degree in theatre. But theatre has never abandoned me, ever. It would welcome me with open arms.
I think this semester is the one that might break me. All these overwhelming thoughts and life are catching up with me and I don’t know if I’ll be able to keep it all under control. There’s this song I’m listening to as I write this, Lost Boy by Ruth B. I don’t understand its meaning sometimes but the singer’s emotion when singing hits my heart so much that I can relate to it.
This train of thought might be getting a little too long now. I hope your day is better than the first two months I’ve had this year. Have a good night.
“Away from all of reality. Neverland is a home to lost boys like me. And lost boys like me are free.” – Ruth B